Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains

   "Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.

   Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

   Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   Why don't they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   [flashlight to face]... When we were young, we only had a few TV channels... *all the kids gasp*... And there was no wifi... *4 kids puke and 2 faint*