Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not even 2012, Paranormal Activity 3, Shooting, Bomb Attacks, or Failing a Class is scarier then 5 missed calls from Mom.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the a$$.

   Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command

   Today's agenda: get out of bed fast enough to see my body imprint in the memory foam matress before it disappears.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing

   No one told me another rapture was scheduled for today! WTF, I'm not prepared.......

   If there was a game show based off of Mario Party, I would definitely want to be on it,

   Since we start counting at one, zero is"countless." Therefore, I have slept with countless girls.

   “One man's trash is another man's treasure” is an awesome phrase, but it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

   If a woman is talking in the forest and no ones around to hear her, is she still wrong?

   Take two, you know you got good bud when you stink up the whole HOUSE before you spark it. Sorry I'm high :D

   Some play hard to get, I play hard to want.

   The worries that I bury in my mind continue to pop up like Thriller zombies who can't dance.

   If Paranormal Activity 3, The Ring, and Poltergeist taught me anything, it's that little girls are absolutely terrifying.

   The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.

   Youtube needs to fix the comment section so you don't need to search through 10 pages to find the start of an argument.

   If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.

   Get ready for a thousand Gaddafi jokes *yawn*