Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Occupying Facebook...

   A man asks a woman, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replies, "I don't drink, it's bad for my legs." He asks, "Do they swell?" Her reply: "No, they spread."

   I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.

   Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.

   My pharmacist mixed up my Valiuum prescription with Viaagra...It didn't help my anxiety much, but it gave me a great place to hang my hat! ツ

   riding that train high on cocaine!

   How do all these "as a busy mom" moms get time to record commercials?

   I really hope my death certificate doesn't read "Buried Alive".

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't run marathons

   Save electricity!!! No point of turning the bathroom lights on if you're planning on just sitting there.

   It's rained all week. I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.

   I know I am not the most manly guy around but I hate being called b!tch by a woman.

   Boy: did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl: B!tch I crawled out of hell!!!

   Growing up, my mother always used to say in a angry voice : jorje finish up your coffee....there are people in Africa sleeping.... jj

   Whether we want to admit it or not, cheaters always win. That's the whole point of cheating. If people who cheat couldn't win, then no one would ever cheat.

   I am aware that I am less than what some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   Constantly comparing your old relationship to your new relationship is a quick way to find yourself single again.

   Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. It doesn't come with rules and regulations or terms and conditions. It just happens.

   Blonde sluts out here think STD stands for "Suck that d*ck"

   When white girls become 16 and pregnant, they get their own show "16 and pregnant" ...black girls go to Maury