Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife came home with a v!brator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!" But guess who had to put the batteries in?

   "I would of still be in High School if Google didn't exitst"

   I like, likeing the quotes everybody hates:)

   ■When you take an amazing picture you automatically think: “That will be my new profile picture”.

   ■The day Facebook adds a “Who cares?” button would be the best day ever.

   ■Nothing is forever. Especially people. Don't have your hopes high, Friends become strangers, Lovers become friends, & People leave.

   Announcing that you need to pee just because it feels necessary.

   Lets run away together ... LOL, jk I have asthma!

   It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar

   you know your day is bad when your coffee makes you tired

   If I have a baby girl..I'm going to name her "Charity" Then I will be able to hold fundraisers in her name...not to mention the tax breaks.

   I hate it when one of my favorite songs is out of my vocal range..

   why I'm single: ☑ I can't date the Internet. ☑ I can't date my favorite celebrity. ☑ I can't date myself. ☑ I can't date music.

   3 words 8 letters That lead to instant popularity... "I HAVE GUM"

   I eat the food on my plate in order from least favorite to most favorite

   Girls get so weird when you ask them to make a wittle baby in their tum tum... still single

   Ugh, this girl who woke up in my bed is SO needy. She's all "Who are you?" "What'd you put in my drink?"

   Do you think Hugh Hefner will kill himself and let his Exotic pets loose?

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   Let's get drunk and make some bad decisions