Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.

   Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.

   It appears my back was made for stabbing

   carrying a Coach purse, driving a few years old Lexus and paying for your food order with your Access card! I hope you get herpes. Meanwhile I will try and get by on unemployment you f'n baby factory.

   Our neighbor said he wouldn't mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.

   There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

   What do you call a Lesbian that lives in Alaska? A KLONDIKE!

   It's okay ladies, I understand. If I did twice the work and got half the credit I'd go crazy too.

   i was in a jehovah witness hall yesterday, they started speaking in tounge, I swear they sounded like a honda accord going in reverse.

   What's the definition of a gay midget? A LOW BLOW!

   The best thing about hanging out with kids is they can't bore you by talking about their kids.

   gonna wear a Charlie Brown costume this Halloween and give everyboby who comes to my door a ROCK.

   A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

   Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van

   I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but $hit.

   Kim Jong Ill: Why is everyone so f**king stupid? Why can't more people be interrigent, like me.

   For sale: Dignity, gently used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). $1 OBO.

   I really wish Kellogg's would change the name of Froot Loops to HomO's.

   "Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon." -Jamaican naming six days of the week

   I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.