Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Is there gonna be food?" "Yup!" "Ok I'm on my way"

   I hate when I shout the wrong answer out in class with confidence

   when I heard Gaddafi was found in a large dirty hole I instantly thought...'what a place to hide: Paris Hilton's private part'!

   having sex is just like playing the drums, the harder you hit the louder they get.

   I just had sex for the first time in long time. So long in fact, that I felt guilty for cheating on my sock.

   Two words that should never be together: Redneck Couture

   People say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

   Why do they advertise that something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   I hate the people who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   Don't make conclusions when you are not involved. Don't judge others on their mistakes when you are making your own.

   "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

   Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.

   Two problems with auto-flushing toilets: A) when they flush before you're done. B) when they don't flush & you can't find the button.

   Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground

   "Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"

   Girls, not all guys are jerks... just most of us

   Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.

   A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.

   If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

   I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.