Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

   Whenever a couple tells me that their baby was born premature, I glare accusingly at the father.

   there once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of a genie, that tickled his weiny. And woke up with a hand full of goo.

   Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...

   not a piece of meat! Though I suppose, technically, I could be turned into several pieces of meat pretty easily

   Easiest way to get someones attention......look at them lean over to someone else and start whispering

   Instead of porn I just watch tennis with my eyes closed,,:~/

   In life it doesn't matter what people say about you... Most of them f##kers dont even know the real you, so who gives a toss what a bunch of sad twisted plebs think... The people who love and respect you the most know the person you really are.

   Can't everybody just pool the money, buy the Barcelona team and share them out on a club-by-club, week-by-week basis?

   Some people on Facebook always post funny stuff.. Some people always post lovey dovey stuff.. And Some people posts.. Just make you wana scream..STFU Already!

   Ugh. Sometimes I just can't help f***ing up. I don't need an angel on my shoulder I need an etiquette instructor with a cattle prod.

   I enjoyed the Episode of SIX and the CITY. (Man United 1 - 6 Man City)

   Who said money can't buy class ? And also a trident large enough to poke the Red Devils royally in their own back yard....Gory Gory Man United.

   it's not that I don't go Church because I don't believe a God. I just don't go because I have trouble believing in the concept of a God who makes a note of who does go to Church.

   Manure United 1 - 6 Man City (No prize for guessing who the b!tch was in that match)

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd have gotten a good deal on mine, because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted

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   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   I believe in whatever makes me happy without making other people sad. That's my religion.

   Don't take what life gives you and frown, take what life gives you and smile because you know you can make the best of it.