Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most Sundays on Fb.. Hop on see all the Praise the Lord post.. Like a few baby pics.. Have a quick convo wit some friends.Then off to bed..

   Just once I would like to hear a rapper say that he is pretty average with the rhymes.

   just spent the rest of my Halloween money on Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale.....I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some cough drops and a few beef bouillon cubes this year.

   I'vs always wanted to slap someone that was panicking

   While someone is speaking to me, 80% of my inner dialogue is just wondering if my face looks interested

   THE 2 drivers in Beijing that ran the lady over that nobody helped have been caught <<< just 2 prove 2 Wongs don't make A right..!!

   Noticed a mistake? Why couldn't you notice it FIRST before posting? Why were you in a hurry to microwave your dinner-for-one as you always do?

   someone call social services,,,Man city abused man utd

   yes winter is here .....let the relationships begin!!!

   just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions

   When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!

   An Italian chick Linda Orsini, had a lesbi@n girlfriend named Jeannie. To her partner she said, "let's have pasta in bed", and they both enjoyed cunnilinguini.

   is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?

   If today were a fish, I'd throw it back.

   If your nuts happen to itch while in public, best way is to scratch it from the inside of your pants pocket.

   has problems with asthma. Like what the hell is the 'th' in there for?

   I love Halloween. All these slutty outfits have me scared stiff.

   If life is a highway, that totally explains my inability to merge on to it.

   No doubt, a woman's body is home to the world's best man-caves.

   Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you're counting punches.