Funny Status Messages

   Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping

   I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

   My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

   My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

   I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

   ACED my prostate exam!

   If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting.

   Maybe we should all start calling 2020 are lucky number and see if things might change!

   Running with the Spanish bulls, Seattle WA and Portland OR, tonight, live on Pay per view

   I'm too smart to be happy.

   You got your reparations. From our taxes paying for your food stamps, section 8 housing and free school lunches.

   A Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV walk into a bar... I’ve forgotten the rest!

   I don't really care which baseball teams stand for the National Anthem inasmuch as I wish they'd make the game a little less boring. The national pastime is past its time.

   "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020

   Having a degree doesn't mean you're talented, it just means you're educated.

   The Washington Redskins are temporarily changing their name to the "Washington Football Team", or in other words "WTF".