Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there!

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   Elementary math problems are weird."'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9 What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."

   The 5 biggest lies ever told: "I'm fine","Seriously, I don't like anyone", "I swear that was my last piece of gum","I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions", and "I left my homework at home, I swear I did it!"

   We all have that face when we try to look happy when we open a birthday card with no money.

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   if you have ADD & OCD all you get done is getting everything organized

   Wanna know the difference between a red head and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

   They should send retirement statements out in different colored envelopes based on gains and losses. That way I don't have to wait to get pi$$ed off!!

   Ughh,,,, I was in a house today that smelled like someone died in it ....while looking for someone else who died in it..... After cooking dog farts wrapped in cabbage....

   Everybody checks their facebook at least once a day. If they say they don't, they're lying...

   People should come with a warning label of does or does not wash hands after using the restroom

   OK...if you're a fish, do you have to wait 30 mins to swim after you eat??

   It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

   Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Louie walsh √ - Col. Gaddafi ☑

   If one person has an imaginary friend, they're crazy, if many people have the same imaginary friend, it's religion??

   If you are fat and your wearing skinny jeans, it does not make you look skinny.. it makes you look silly!!!

   I am more impressed with those who ask good questions than I am with those that have good answers.

   "OMG your fake tan looks so good!" LOL JK, it looks like you got raped by an orange

   Halloween ,the only time peados get home dilevary!!