Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One hour long text conversation = 5 minute face to face conversation.

   Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.

   Breaking a mirror is 7 years of bad luck? Well breaking a condom is 18.

   Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.

   Cell phones ruined the era of throwing people into pools.

   It's kind of fun to hang out with a younger person who thinks you're a lot cooler than you actually are.

   I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....

   there are more errors in this world series game than they are in the show 16 and pregnant

   Heading out downtown tonight better known as "No I don't have a cigarette or a dollar"

   Wonder if all the fake Facebooker's will be real on Halloween and tell us how their life is really going??

   "Well Fine! If you don't have anything nice to say...Then.. Take off your clothes..!?!"

   Whenever "your" is used instead of "you're," a puppy is beaten,

   Why do members of the military wear their uniforms on game shows? Are they going to battle after the taping?

   A Zimbabwean man says a prostitute he hired transformed into a donkey. Sounds like he got himself a real piece of ass.

   I wonder which lazy a$$ rapper decided to abbreviate the word "Crazy".... I mean c'mon that sh!ts CRAY!

   I still have nightmares about that time I gave my eskimo friend a house-warming present

   "Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin

   Love is just a chapter in a guy`s life.. But to girls ? It's the whole book.

   If you're horny and you know it, use your hands.

   You made me laugh so hard, tears ran down my leg.