Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   My favorite sexual position is "Leaving".

   Men lie about how many women they have been with because they CAN'T remember the exact number...Women lie about how many men they have been with because they CAN remember the exact number....

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?'

   If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

   This Suri feature on the new I-Phone 4S is too realistic. I had phone sex with her last night and now this morning she's not speaking to me because I didn't hold her afterwards...

   If you can not "paste" don't "copy", you need the ability to "copy and paste" for it to be successful!

   I don't work this hard to stay the same.

   Ladies: Call a man up right now and say "I need some d!ck" I bet you he'll be knocking on your front door before you even hang the phone up.

   we live in a day and age in which we abbreviate everything we say...So I wish you a day of Success, Happiness, Intelligence and Togetherness with your loved ones. Hence I wish you a SHìT day!

   In these days of AIDS and HERPES, there are some people whose ex-lovers you just don't want to mess with for health reasons.

   Her: I don't see you feeling what I say, that leaves a bad taste cuz I smell your bs. Hear me? Me: You just used all 5 senses in 1 sentence.

   There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking out.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   If there's anything better than yelling at squirrels, I'd sure like to know what it is.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   ...got my new Metallica underwear in the mail today!.. the front reads "The Shortest Straw" and on the rear "Fade to Black"