Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you think it's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in our past and started blaming them on people in the future?

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone & know how little I answer their texts.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   will work for a status.

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   Elementary math problems are 2 sided, "If I had 10 chocolate bars and I ate 9 of them, what would I have now?'" Oh, I don't know.. 1 big belly ache?!."

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.

   The only thing better than a good thing, is more of it.

   Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?

   Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there!

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   Elementary math problems are weird."'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9 What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."

   The 5 biggest lies ever told: "I'm fine","Seriously, I don't like anyone", "I swear that was my last piece of gum","I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions", and "I left my homework at home, I swear I did it!"

   We all have that face when we try to look happy when we open a birthday card with no money.

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   if you have ADD & OCD all you get done is getting everything organized