Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:42 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two problems with auto-flushing toilets: A) when they flush before you're done. B) when they don't flush & you can't find the button.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girls, not all guys are jerks... just most of us
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 11:11 by L Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 10:03 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  


   messageicon I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 09:41 by Mick F Comments (0)  


   messageicon what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"
←Rate | 10-22-2011 09:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seen a baby wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, because I can't read."
←Rate | 10-22-2011 09:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon wondering why I say I wont ever drink again when dealing with a bad hang over, but soon as its gone, start planning my next night on the lash!
←Rate | 10-22-2011 08:31 by sidney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Harry Potter fans,, Of course Star Wars fans are better than you,, We even have our own holiday,,,, Sincerely,, May the 4th be with you !
←Rate | 10-22-2011 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 08:17 by K-Mac Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 07:09 by Mick F Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Friends wife caught him pleasuring himself in the kitchen earlier. he was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 06:39 by ra1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 06:30 by Mick F Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everybody deserves someone who'll make them look forward to tomorrow than make them dread tomorrow.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 03:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seems kinda strange we couldn't get even one post mortem pic of Bin Laden but nobody seems to mind Gadhafi showing up at back yard picnics and local supermarket meat freezers like he's starring in the sequel to "A Weekend At Bernie's".....Go figure!
←Rate | 10-22-2011 02:31 by totalpackage Comments (0)  




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