Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4384 of 6427

"So cute! Do you think he'd fit in a crock pot?" The people at this dog shelter have like *no* sense of humor.

Stop calling yourself sexy. The only thing you turn on is a microwave.
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10-22-2011 11:35
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Two problems with auto-flushing toilets: A) when they flush before you're done. B) when they don't flush & you can't find the button.
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10-22-2011 11:34
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Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground
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10-22-2011 11:33
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"Dude she just called you fat!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my cake...and diet coke!"
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10-22-2011 11:25
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Girls, not all guys are jerks... just most of us
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10-22-2011 11:21
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Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.
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10-22-2011 11:18
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A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.
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10-22-2011 11:11 by L
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If I were a Kardashian, I would be Kikoo the developmentally disabled one who lives in the pool house and makes designer drool bibs.

I met a cougar online. She said she still turns heads at her age. She was right. When we hooked up, my head did a 360 and I started vomiting green pea soup.
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10-22-2011 09:41 by Mick F
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what's the most polite way to excuse yourself as a guy to go to the bathroom when dining with a lady? "Please excuse me,I need to shake hands with a friend of mine,whom I hope you will have the pleasure of meeting after dinner"
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10-22-2011 09:05
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Seen a baby wearing a shirt saying; "Santa doesn't exist, but that's okay, because I can't read."
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10-22-2011 09:01
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wondering why I say I wont ever drink again when dealing with a bad hang over, but soon as its gone, start planning my next night on the lash!
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10-22-2011 08:31 by sidney
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Dear Harry Potter fans,, Of course Star Wars fans are better than you,, We even have our own holiday,,,, Sincerely,, May the 4th be with you !
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10-22-2011 08:21
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Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.
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10-22-2011 08:17 by K-Mac
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Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
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10-22-2011 07:09 by Mick F
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My Friends wife caught him pleasuring himself in the kitchen earlier. he was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea.
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10-22-2011 06:39 by ra1
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If ‘ifs' and ‘buts' were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
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10-22-2011 06:30 by Mick F
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Everybody deserves someone who'll make them look forward to tomorrow than make them dread tomorrow.
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10-22-2011 03:03
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Seems kinda strange we couldn't get even one post mortem pic of Bin Laden but nobody seems to mind Gadhafi showing up at back yard picnics and local supermarket meat freezers like he's starring in the sequel to "A Weekend At Bernie's".....Go figure!