Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me.

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.

   I wonder how many calories a women burns trying to avoid sex?

   Rose are red, violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   Man it boggles the mind why some retards even educated ones for that matter still continue to buy into these bogus faith healers' cons. People need to accept that healing ended with Jesus and everyone else is just a con-artist who should be arrested.

   Facebook should make it possible for us to respond to a 'poke' with a 'slap'

   Im dressing as an endangered species for Halloween...a US worker

   I need a BAD GIRL with good INTENTIONS

   Welcome to America:You can be the valedictorian of your class, go to college, get a Doctorate's Degree, get a really good job, and you're still not going to make as much each year as Snooki.

   Maybe its just me but The 'poke' button on Facebook should be replaced with a 'slap' button.

   Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.

   Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.

   I like to pretend that the girls who do the "duck face" in pics can beatbox real good

   Being lonely, I don't sit at reserved tables. I like the furniture to be friendly and outgoing.

   for a good time call....Jenny....867-5309

   woamn goes to clothing store. clerk asks if she nedds help. woman says "im looknig for a tie that makes my husbands blue eyes stand out" clerk says "make it tight enough & any eyes stand out"

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

   How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?

   Terrell Owens held a work out for NFL teams today,was televised by ESPN &the NFL Network.problem was no NFL teams actually showed.Reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite when Uncle Rico is videotaping himself playing football.How much you w

   it's true, I too was born a poor, black child.