Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!

   Didn't Get Humped Today...Calling Bullsh!t, On Hump Day.

   I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFi, that way people visit more often

   :V (Guy who talks out of one side of his mouth).

   :E (Guy who doesn't know how to twirl spaghetti).

   :B (Guy with buck teeth).

   The Obamas are on vacation. Someone send a cop car by the White House to make sure Biden wasn't left home alone.

   Loves falling asleep to Adult Swim , I end up having funny dreams.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can only take quick glances, but wear sunglasses and you can look until the world ends.

   Soulja Boy arrested.Strangly enough it wasnt by da fashion cops.

   I hate when you click a thumbnail to view a larger picture but the picture ends up being the same size as the thumbnail.

   BBC NEWS: Police are moving in at Dale Farm...& there's me thinking they were trying to CLEAR the site!! ;)

   Great, I was already depressed and and alone, and now. just before bed my toothpaste had to fall off of my toothbrush.... still single

   I hate it when your watching the most important part of a movie, and some idiot walks in the room and asks stuff like "who is he" "what is going on" "did that car just explode". Seriously, just watch the movie or get out!!!

   Don't you hate it when you get texts from people like "ok" or "ya" and you don't know what to say so you just don't text back.

   I call em' blackish brown paper weights. You call them bananas.

   We use cuss words so much nowadays they have lost their meaning and occasional glory.

   OMG one of my jokes made it to the first page under the "rating" section! This reminds me of that one time I came in 3rd place in the 4th grade science fair...