Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sir, you can't take that unopened bottle of diet coke on the plane because it could be a bomb... just go put it in that garbage can over there with all the other could-be-bombs.

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   Someone ask me what I was gonna be for Halloween, I said sober. No one will no its me..

   Love is when you look into someone's heart and find everything you need.

   today is an agorophobic pedophiles wet dream

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere

   maybe I need to re-think this ghost costume I'm wearing... I do live in the ghetto afterall

   i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward

   just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset

   i heard a noise last night, so I got up and peered through the gap in the curtains and yep, sure enough, there she was just stepping into the bath.

   punched the devil in the face today :D or a kid in a costume, either way that motherfucker learnt not to come to my house asking for lollies :)

   My most meaningful conversations these days are with Siri

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me

   Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.

   Ladies: Being attractive isn't a free pass to act like a witch.

   I say tomato, you say tomato. hahahahaha I know your laughing right now cuz you totally just read this with two pronunciations... lol

   thinking of stalking my stalker just to shake things up a bit

   One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed