Funny Status Messages

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

   You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

   I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   Like a Drifter I Walk Alone. By Whitesnake....and the CDC

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   Saying "All Lives Matter" is like when your house catches fire and the 911 operator says "All Houses Matter".

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   Now that the President is wearing masks, the Left is now concerned about how effective they are.

   Acknowledge many, trust few, but always paddle your own Canoe

   I watched about five minutes of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on Netflix. That may be the worst thing that has happened to Abraham Lincoln in a theater