Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you give somebody a piece of your mind.....is it a form of self-inflicting cannibalism?

   Why does facebook want me to be anti-social? Every time I get on it automatically signs me into chat as "offline"

   The word "goodnight" makes my 1-yr-old cry, so I've had to rewrite some bedtime stories. "Howdy, Moon!"

   We all spend our lives looking for the weaknesses in each other forgetting that it's our strengths that define who we truly are.

   I've noticed that the number of "likes" for intelligent quotes, exponentially jumps during the hours that Elementary school is in session, and after the 8:30 pm milk and cookies before bed ritual.

   Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things!

   on the tv show "cheers" they claim its the place "where everybody knows your name"...i don't think they sold many beers at the bar if they could recall names

   I have a friend with one eye. He's pretty cool about it. Instead of “:D” he sends “.D”

   Instead of "Whats on your mind" it should say " What's the reason for the meltdown today" .

   I took one of my husband's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go to Hooters or ask my opinion on golf, call me.

   Would not like to be a person of intrest for a dismembered person

   That rather uneasy moment when you are walking with your girl and you see a lesbian with a chick hotter than yours.

   Ohio has the won the BadA$$ state title of the year

   I shouldn't have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.

   Women need that perfect combination of "Yes Dear" and "Hush Yo Mouth Woman"..

   Well maybe if you didn't have dem ( . )( . ) poppin out your turtleneck we wouldn't have this Eye-Contact problem....

   Ironically, sweatpants are the least likely pant to get any sweat on them.

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand!

   I am worried about my neighbour as he gets too many concussions and we are very close...in fact just a stones throw away!

   I believe it was a German who said "an empty anus makes the most sound..."