Funny Status Messages

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

   When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   Someone wake up Joe to come see this...

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   I bought a Joe B¡den watch on QVC. I has liver spotted hands and is running out of time.

   Joe B¡den looks like he smells like pee.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Wayfair is awesome. Not only will I save space with my new Springboro storage cabinet, I'll also qualify for an additional child tax credit next year.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

   I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.