Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget the $1,200 stimulus check. I rather get a dollar for every lie he has told us.

   Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   I built a makeshift barrier at each end of my street to keep the virus out. Someone tore it down and hauled it away. I need to find them and get my bed and sofa back!

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   Does Trump really want people to kill themselves in order to improve the economy and to make his poll numbers rise? That's messed up!

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.

   The Gov. didn't have to issue me a stay at home order, my wife did that years ago.

   I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

   My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

   Everyone sing along! Don't stand.... don't stand.... don't stand so close to me...

   Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

   Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?

   Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

   When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

   The World Health Organization has reported that dogs cannot transmit COVID-19 Virus and should be released from quarantine immediately. In other words, WHO let the dogs out.

   Dear toilet paper companies I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

   “You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.” My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove