Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??

   Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Time heals all wounds but memories reopen them.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   Life could be worse....woman could get away with murdering their baby daughter while a doctor who gives his client illegal drugs and he dies could end up going to jail. Oh wait.....

   "RIP Joe Frazier... I Can't Believe He's Gone...I'm still shaking" -Muhammad Ali-

   This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door been laying outside for 3 days now.

   Homosexual has the same number of letters as cantaloupe. Coincidence? Yes.

   I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything.

   Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared.

   Never chase anyone. A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a damn video proving it.

   face down ass up thats the way i..................................................................................tie my shoes...nasties what were ya thinking?

   It is being reported that Mississippi is considering banning birth control...this should result in a sharp increase in the sheep population.

   into the darkness, I give myself up. For tonight, I drink from the sandman's cup. A slumber's kiss has put me under it's spell and as a result, I bid thee a farewell! Dreams await these tired eyes, for sleep is just a days demise. Once more, I bid thee

   I'm thinking Dr. Murray will probably get a harsher sentence since Michael Jackson was white at the time of his death......just saying

   AMISH DRIVE BY SHOOTING:................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop Cop....bang bang bang bang bang bang....Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip clop

   of course you like your new tempur pedic bed. anything is better than the stained, coily, saggy piece of sh*t you had before.