Funny Status Messages

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

   Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

   “What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

   All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

   They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   Joe Biden looks like he smells like pee.

   Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.