Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?

   It would be so cool if I could see what my life would be like if I had made different decisions.

   all the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run like forrest

   My girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days.

   If DR. Conrad Murray bends over to pick up his soap in his prisn shower he may get a real 'Thriller'.

   joe Paterno might be going from Penn State to the state pin

   What kind of sausage was being served at Godfather's pizza?

   With all these gold diggers coming forward, Herman Cain's got a long road to "HOE".

   I learned no matter how much your friends pressure you, you must never snort lines of curry powder.

   1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls

   garlic burps are sexy.

   The sex was getting really hot...until he pulled out his Yoda pillow...

   Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong."

   If my boyfriend doesn't stop snoring I'm going to fart in his face.

   The Jackson's said yesterday's that the Dr. Murray verdict ends a sad chapter in their lives. ...And then they remembered that they're all still related to Tito...

   Just curious and not really sure why people like goin to strip clubs...you realize you're paying a girl to pretend to be interested in you?... :)

   something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That's yours now."

   When a package says "easy open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   customers get on my nerves, if you gotta wait on a line wait !...."open up another register" If you at a red light you don't tell the police to open up another red light do you? wait you turn!