Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time

   So many women.... So little time to disappoint them all...

   Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the ish instead of wiping with it...

   for a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can....

   I'd imagine homeless people aren't the fans of little dogs wearing sweaters

   i hate sitting comfortably on the couch and then discocering that my phone is more than an arm's length away. Also more than a leg's length away.

   They say real woman have curves. Well then... the woman sitting in front of me at the theatre is a real, real, real, real, real, real woman.

   I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it

   I wonder if AM realises how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?

   Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they wanted to

   No wonder my cigar tastes funny... its just a really old hotdog

   I love pressing buttons, so as you can imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples

   looks like the only black and yellow we have to worry about is the cute little bumblebee.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now."

   Why do people adopt insults that are directed at other people and take them personal, make them their own?

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.

   If you blow my high, you owe me weed.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c0ck 'cause Jills real name is Randy

   Kiss me before I brush my teeth in the morning so I know your love is real.

   Osama Bin Laden ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Gadaffi ✔ Ciara's toes ✔ Lebron's hairline ✔ Souljaboy's career ❒