Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fauxhawk is a good way of letting people know they can beat you in a fight.

   wondering if Herman Cane came up with his 999 plan after a dinner date with a German woman...

   Anything Gloria Allred speaks out against I will support!

   I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."

   A good plan tonight is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. So get her buzzed before the club lights come on & she gets a good look at you.

   It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or gender you are; we're all Recycled.

   To understand someone you have to walk a mile in their shoes. That's why men don't understand women, they never learned to walk in heels.

   Young souls, when Adults say "Stay away from drugs", what they mean is stay away from Their drugs.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   Be positive. Every morning look yourself in the mirror and say: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people want to f*ck me.

   Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.

   Necessity is the mother of invention. The Kama Sutra was created because no one should have to "reach enlightenment" in missionary position.

   It's every man's obligation to put back into the world what he takes out. Any ideas on how to give back all the virginities we've taken?

   When life gets too stressful, sometimes you need professional help. Hire a prostitute, they're highly-trained at stress release.

   I think the jury will acquit Dr. Murray, but instead blame his plastic surgeons!

   Ka•ra•o•ke noun. Origin: Japan Definition: Tone-deaf drunk with a microphone.

   The Universe will be in cosmic harmony once Michael J. Fox endorses the "Shake Weight", & Chris Brown the "Slap Chop".

   when somebody tells you to go "f*** yourself" use reverse psychology and say "hell no...I'll do it right here thank you very much"

   Rihanna "Fell in love in a hopeless place". Must have been in Greece.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.