Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People keep telling me I'm a dinosaur because I still use a landline telephone. I've been wanting to get rid of it for a good while now but It's really hard because it matches my abacus.

   It's the strangest feeling when you come out of the cinema when a film ends, because you were so sucked into the film that you forget all about real life.

   Just found out the Jersey Show house can be rented for $2,500 a night. That includes all the recommended vaccines

   If you gotta ask her "Does this feel good??" you aint doin it right....

   With Lindsay Lohan doubling duty between a Playboy shoot and working at the L.A. county morgue, it should be interesting to see what she wears for Halloween...I haven't spotted any zombie, prison striped, part time lesbian, boozing, kleptomaniac, playboy

   Thought I had perfect eyesight then I saw my wife

   zombies, vampires, gory scenes- neither of these scare me in a movie...but what is it about kids just humming along in a white room completely dissilussioned? Scares the s*** out of me!

   Going out tonight!.. looking to soap some windows and egg a few houses maybe even the ol' burning dog poop-bag gag!..that's right!..were looking to have a good old fashion Halloween!

   Don't claim somebody that isn't claiming you! There are a lot of women in a relationship with a single man.

   I'm terrible with people's names. For example: I've known this guy Steve for years and just realized her name is actually Stacy.

   I so hungary I could eat a horse...guess I'll get a McRib

   Woke up naked again. Must have been a good night!

   going to a halloween party dressed as jesus to hit on some chicks, lets see who rejects the lord tonight!

   Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   If you hold your shoe up to your ear in public, you can hear the sound of people laughing at you for looking like a dumb-a$$.

   once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain

   It sucks when you pass by an incredibly good looking person, but then you realize it was just a mirror.

   Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.

   Hey ladies, you know who finds your period attractive? Sharks.

   When you're walking and texting and you walk slower and slower and slower till you're just standing there texting..