Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sent a Facebook friend request to the girl who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from her house.

   Sometimes you can't tell if you're just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying.

   My six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside."

   The illbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 am and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart.

   I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss.

   clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.

   R.I.P My 52" Sony T.V !!! You will be missed!!! We had some great times together!!! This Beers for you !!!

   It isn't that I'm not a people person, it's just that I'm not a stupid people person.

   Mr. Sandusky is going to open a new college called Bring em' Young!!

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you don't knock on my door to tell me about it.

   Taught my boy a lesson today.. When you give your girl a facial, You must wipe off the monitor afterwards.

   Heavy D dies. i'm sure it's a difficult time right now for the two remaining members of Wilson Phillips

   I'm Frank with all of my dates. Wouldn't want them knowing my real name would i?

   Everything is made in China, Except for babies, They're made in the VaChina

   How is LIL WAYNE, a man with a wife, ex-wife, 5 baby mommas, 3 boos, 2 hoes an a partridge in a pear tree, gonna tell me how to love.

   The funniest thing about the Darth Vader kid car commerical was that the parents thought they started the car.

   You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.

   I never let my children watch band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins.

   I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.

   If I've given you my time & an opportunity & you squandered both, don't question why I'm not in your bed tonight.