Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"

   "False information" spelled backwards is "False information"

   Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.

   Got insomnia? May I suggest watching the CMA's.

   Penguins don't give a flying phuck!

   You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.

   if you type "no comment" in the comment bar that is in fact a comment.

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   A life without love is like a year without summer.

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"