Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   It's been awhile but I guess now would be a good time to check on my crops and see how they're growing in Farmville.

   I cant stand online scammers! And if you and all your friends would like to learn how to avoid them send me $19.95 and I'll tell you how!

   I'm much more conscious of my square usage these days.

   If it was called a "rebsite" Elmer Fudd would pronounce it correctly.

   Apparently, referring to Latex Gloves as "Corona Condoms" at work is frowned upon.

   I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.

   Parents, Now that you are homeschooling, there is no reason not to put the Bible, the Lord's Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance back in the curriculum.

   I think this might be a good time to get a pet. Do they have a delivery service for that?

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   Oh not seeing enough tests?? I thought people were saying they aren't seeing enough breasts. Either way, I agree.

   YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID -Kids

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn

   Just remembered that it's Halloween and won't be getting any trick-or-treaters this year, which is all good as I might need my fast food condiments to help survive the Coronavirus.

   Had to go to the grocery store to buy some more supplies and couldn't help but notice how clean some people's hands were who smelt like they hadn't showered in weeks.

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   Bernie Sanders is finally in 1st place...for the most missed votes in the 116th congress. (^_~)b

   I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.

   Since staying home I think I need a better way to end a phone conversation then saying "Hey let me go now, I gotta run"