Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   People always write "Congrats" in their FB posts because most don't know how to spell "Kongrajulashins".

   If you're wondering what all the talk about "Karens" means. It's a large group of women in charge of the homeowners association.

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...

   Don't be an anti-semite, be a yo-semite.

   Just broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

   Everyone is wearing masks & school starts back soon....the teachers are gonna sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....wah wah wah

   "So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"

   Can you imagine being a speechwriter and having to anticipate that the President of the United States might not know how to pronounce big words like “Yosemite.”

   Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.

   You know in the movie 'Jaws' when everyone is pissed the beaches are closed because the shark keeps killing people, and they know it's killing people, but they go to the beach anyways? This is what we're going through now.

   If all other countries are fighting the Coronavirus, while Trump is fighting the China Virus. Is he really lying when he says he doing the best?

   If you want your food delivered faster by the delivery driver working in the middle of a pandemic with very little base pay and no benefits don't forget to tip!

   I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

   Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

   1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive