Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Todays's game in Happy Valley will be referred to as "the Cornhuskers vs the Cornholers"

   Camping? Yeah right. My idea of roughing it, is a night at Motel 6 with Basic Cable.

   If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.

   In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.

   Not everything with a coin slot is a vending machine.. I mean, look at her.

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   11 was quite a popular number. Next year it'll be all about 12

   Facebook just got real. You can unsubscribe to status updates and turn people from "friends" to "acquaintances". It's a dirty game

   Wife: Don't Drink Today, or Else No Sex Tonight Husband gives it plenty of Thought Confused What To Choose: 12 yr old Whisky or... 40 yr old Cake

   I'm taking the greed out of agreed, because I don't.

   In the Czech Republic abortions are known as cancelled Czechs

   I buy an ipad and steve jobs dies, I buy a blackberry and bbm dies. I have just bought Justin Bieber's album... Fingers crossed

   age is just a number, yeah right!! and "too young" is just a name in china

   The uneasy moment when you are having a conversation in your head & you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

   Officer : How High are you ? Drunk : No officer it's Hi, How are you ?!

   There are girls complaining that there's no good guys left...Hello.....they are where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   I'll never forget what you did to me, but I'll never let you know I remember.