Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

   To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!

   I do because I can. I will because I am able. I give because I've been given. Just a few reasons I love to 69. ;)

   Of course I would die for you honey. Example? Uhhhh.... I would rather jump into an alligator pit and eaten alive, than listen to you B*TCH for another second. How did I do?

   just watched 5 minutes of the maury show because I was too lazy to get outa bed and get the remote, feel like I lost 10-20 IQ points, from now on, gonna keep an emergency brick on the nightstand to throw at the tely in case this happens again

   I know how Rick Perry feels now, just the other day I forgot the 3rd movie in the Harry Potter series.

   Sex is like a restaurent: Sometimes you get great service, Sometimes you get poor service, and sometimes you get self service.

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   Don't worry NBA players, Kim Kardashian will let you slam balls in her hole!

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   I just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   I like to walk into McDonalds with a Taco Bell bag and pull out a Whopper, then tearfully scream "somebody really McF*cked up this time!!!"

   No NBA this year?! Great! I don't like watching overpaid athletes in baggy shorts run up and down a basketball court anyway. I'd rather watch overpaid athletes in tight pants run up and down a football field or around a diamond.

   farted in a closed lift: it was wrong on so many levels!

   Pride is often used to cover weakness. A thin veil of douchebaggery fools no one.

   I don't deliver to Trailer Parks. If your house is on wheels, you must have done something wrong. - SANTA CLAUS

   Life can never give security, it can only promise opportunity. So seize that sh*t like a drug raid at Charlie Sheen's house.

   Some people seem to have an issue with the responsibility of being trusted.

   Why do morons think they can disguise their stupidity by acting like smart asses?