life Funny Status Messages

   If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.

   "Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   I know one day my life may be changed by the man who spends his nights spray painting "Jesus Saves Repent" signs on plywood and places them on the Interstate.

   Beam him up, Scotty. There is no more intelligent life down here.

   I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.

   In sign language, the entire story of my life can be told with a series of face palms.

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   "Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.

   My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course.... :/ I've never had to run this fast, so far in all my life!

   The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"

   Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony

   The only real importance in life is getting ahead. Head. I meant to say head.

   If you matured and made changes in Your life, you made a "180"....not a DAMN "360." A "360" means the same Degree of Stupidity..

   I've met some pricks in my life, but you sir are a fcuking Cactus.