Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bless me father for I have sinned, my last confession was over 3 years- oh damn the roof is caving in HELLLPPPPP!"

   For those of you who were wondering why I have a belly, well I'm not fat, I'm just Full with love =)

   Twinkle twinkle is stupid sh!t, so can you please stop posting it

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

   Your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes but you never do it.....

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture?

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Chinese Eye Emotions: sad (- -) happy (- -) angry (- -)

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.