Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "He broke my heart I broke his xbox <3 :))" ...Right. Things like this are probably why he broke up with you in the first place.

   It's all New Orleans Saints day.

   The best posts are the ones that make you say "I had no idea other people did that!".

   Those people that make fun of you for flinching are annoying. Of course I try to avoid getting hit in the face.

   My dream car is 1969 Camaro with a pine tree airfreshenr hanging from the rearview and your girlfriend in backseat. Now all I need is a 1969 Camaro.

   In the world of MTV, when a girl is in her sixteenth year she either gets an extravagant birthday party or a baby. Most sixteen-year-olds I know would settle for a new iPod.

   if dogs could talk theyd prolly talk a lot about shoes

   I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.

   When someone asks me what superpower I would have if I were a superhero, I tell them I already have one. I say I possess the preternatural ability to anticipate and avoid horrifically boring conversations. Then I walk away.

   Look, if I thought my feelings needed to be spared I would've just went to a prostitute and saved myself the effort!

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   had it up to here!! (raises hand above head)

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   I would totally dominate Iron Chef Pop Tart.

   You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.