Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just went in the bath room, turned the light off and said Bloodymary three times....nothing....ok I'm going back in, this time I'm saying Coors-light 3 times.

   When you "ASSUME" you make an "ass" out of "u" and Melissa Etheridge

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   "never on schedule, because he's always online.

   Less than 2% of people polled believed former Penn State coach Jerry San-butt-sky's claims of innocence in an interview last night which makes him even less popular than male pole dancing among the American public!

   The only good thing about the fog, is you can pull off the road and piss without being judged by others.

   n't it weird to think that while you read this, Glenn Beck is somewhere crying right now?

   Fantastic. I just took the wrong cold and sinus pill. How did I notice, you ask? I nearly banged my head against the desk.

   Women are the most common legal drug...They give you the best highs, the worst lows, and they are so, so addictive...

   #fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.

   I am a tireless advocate for sitting quietly by while others try do stuff about whatever that stuff is they care about.

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   I just saw a headline saying, "Is Rebecca Black pregnant?" & all I could think of was that I guess she chose the back seat.