Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.

   Hey people in cavilers, you have a 4 cylinder! I have an 8, stop trying to race me.....

   its all fun and games till you get tape on your face.

   Blows me away how my friends psychic knows my 90 yr old granny has arthritis ...amazing.!!!

   just saw a one armed man walk into a second hand store.

   the people who you babysit for, you should poke holes in all the condoms and ensure yourself at least five more years of babysitting money.

   If you think about it, most of your friendships stay in the "humor zone", where silences are awkward and must be resolved with laughs. Deep friendships allow you to be yourself instead of just a comedian.

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   You never see the GEICO Gecko driving a car in any of those commercials. I find that suspicious..

   Money doesn't buy you happiness is just a saying rich people made up to prevent poor people from wanting to rob them.

   Obama supporters are in SUCH denial about EVERYTHING! We're on to you..accept it.

   Hey thanks for the event invitation. I live in Florida, but I'll leave for Utah immediately 'cause God knows I wouldn't wanna miss your sh**ty band's gig at Paul's Bowling Alley.

   Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   Why, when my dad left his phone in the car his phone rang and the ringtone was "Love in this club" by Usher???

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.