Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.

   It is important to be thankful for little things in life. Like the fact that the world doesn't make a strange creaking noise when it rotates on its axis.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.

   Heard they have a new Michael Jackson video game out.....I bet the Pedophiles are gonna love this.

   Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry...

   Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)

   “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue

   twinkle twinkle little snitch...mind your own business you nosey b!tch

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?

   I'm black, but I'm not ,24 inch rims, black

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   Once you go black you never go back..... Wait thats not right its...... Once you go black you want your test results back..... Or was it ... Once you go black your babys' on crack ... no no actually it was ... Once you go black you want your dignity back