Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hump Day" is a crock! I haven't been laid on a Wednesday since 2007!

   I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass.

   smaller the breasts, better the eye contact

   FACEBOOK" The second most popular word that starts with “F” and ends with “K”...

   When people ask for candy I'm eating, I give them the flavor I don't like.

   Was that lightning?" Nooo... they're taking pictures for google earth

   Whenever I wait behind a door to scare someone, they always take too long to come, so I leave disappointed.

   Just found my child-hood Etch-a sketch. My first lap-top.

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   That akward moment when you actually see a chiken crossing the road..

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

   No Matter what you do in life, always give 100%. Unless of course you are donating blood.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.

   Midget: *walks into library* exuse me,do you have any books on irony? librarian: its on the top shelf!.....

   STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.