Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Learn something new everyday. Today I learned that leaving the lights on in your car overnight is not good for morning starts.

   Im going to make a Photo Album of Then and Now photos of my high school class mates and tag everybody

   Pac-Man teaches us a valuable lesson Eat everything you can, and if anyone tries to stop you, eat them.

   It makes you worried for the future when you see all the insecure girls on Facebook posting their pictures as their statu$ and begging for likes.

   It's silly when people say that you shouldn't like them "because they might hurt you." Everyone is going to hurt you. Some people are just worth the risk.

   You might have moves like Jagger....Me, at my age, have moves like jello!!

   Hot cashier: "Would you like cash back?" Me: "Id rather have your phone number." Yep it worked.

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

   Bless me father for I have sinned, my last confession was over 3 years- oh damn the roof is caving in HELLLPPPPP!"

   For those of you who were wondering why I have a belly, well I'm not fat, I'm just Full with love =)

   Twinkle twinkle is stupid sh!t, so can you please stop posting it

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

   Your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes but you never do it.....

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture?