Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   just came back from a pleasure trip....itook my mother in-law to the airport!

   When you hear a lot of men yelling at the top of their lungs....you know the game is on.

   Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.

   My mother texted me "What does IDK, LY,& TTYL means? I answered: I don't know, love u, talk to you later. Mother: Ok I'll ask your sister

   my kids enjoy the free cardboard box and balloons the most

   Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, you're in the way.

   If you're texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual. :)

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at WORK.!!!

   There are two things why we don't trust people. FIRST: We don't know them. SECOND: We know them.

   Dear parents: Oh really? I'm a liar? What about the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus? Sincerely, your child.

   How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends.

   there has been a new law stating that veils are not to be allowed in the workplace. Bee keepers are furious!

   finished his first book in 24 years...That was a hell of a lot of coloring!

   wants to change my name on facebook to "no-one". then when I add someone it will say "no-one wants to be your friend".

   This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn't sound fun at all.

   Sometimes, I wonder if anyone is secretly in love with me.

   "Sex is a part of nature, I go along with nature." - Marilyn Monroe

   God's busy. Can I help you?

   Have you ever realized how many types of asses there are? SmartASS. DumbASS. CrazyASS. StupidASS. Who knew asses had personalities?