Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Pill, the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   When I am sad, I think of you- I then realize that my life is still better then yours.

   A Real Boyfriend will make sure he wears protection when Cheating.

   You know you are a complete loser when you are doing hard time for shoplifting in the dollar store.

   S W A G – [S]omething [W]e [A]$$holes [G]ot.

   Broke chicks always know exactly what kind of Men they want BUT never know what kind of Man DON'T want their destitute a$$!

   Shout out to all the fat people that are hungry for success.

   Damn girl..you look like you know how to have a good time...at a buffet.

   Women don't trust Men, not because they cheat but because they know how scandalous and shady other Women are!

   I wish you could pick a brand of car, and every few years you'd get an upgrade. Like with phones.

   Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”

   Yeah, I'm F.I.N.E., (F)alling apart, (I)nsecure, (N)eeding help, (E)verything's wrong.

   Hell hath no fury like a Poptart that hasn't had time to properly cool off.

   As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.

   All TVs should come with a brick to throw at it when the Wendy Williams show comes on

   I think if some people were to actually post something positive on Facebook they would spontaneously combust. Frickin Emos!!

   You're my girl to the fullest. If you're shootin' up the place, I'm bringing the bullets.

   I tried to make it rain but now there is coffee everywhere and one of my coworkers is on the way to the hospital.

   According to chain messages, I should've died 18 times, been raped twice, been cut 10 times.

   Happy National Unfriend Day:)