Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   Don't feel bad Westerners, somewhere there is a Chinese kid in an American restaurant struggling with a knife & fork.

   Occupy Chicago protesters were rained with McDonald's applications today. I don't know about you but that is hilarious.

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ( MONDAY )

   No one is lazier than the people who name convenience stores.

   I'm in shape: Unfortunately it's the wrong one.

   I like my beaver how I like my chicken...free range.

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   I'm about to get in the middle of some girl-on-girl action with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

   HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wins big, trashes rumours at EMAs. You go girrrrrrrrrrrrrl....

   you know its time to get a girlfriend when you start looking for socks behind the dryer..

   Don't tease fat girls, elephants never forget...

   We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time

   So many women.... So little time to disappoint them all...

   Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the ish instead of wiping with it...

   for a perfectly shaved forearm reach for the last Pringle in the can....

   I'd imagine homeless people aren't the fans of little dogs wearing sweaters