Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cosmopolitan ..is a sex manual for women..

   Sometimes you just have to take a breath ..... ;)

   the early bird gets the worm...but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese

   This years NBA season so far has been the best one I can ever remember

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only time I update my status is when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time

   There are people who are only alive thanks to the fact that killing is illegal

   It really sucks when everyone likes your status except the one person you wish who liked it

   How did Nancy Grace get on TV? She reminds me of someone who qualified to be an office manager of a mobile home park

   Back in my day Werewolves didn't fall in love with babies...THEY ATE THEM!!

   Galatians 1:19 But I saw none of the other apostles except James the Lord's brother.... Go to church fool

   Man Rule #4: Never be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   If weed was legalized the number of annoying stoners would mutiply faster than a asian kid at a math contest.

   Women hate being treated different than men, until there's a hostage situation and woman and children are let go first.

   It's one of life's cruel tricks that by the time you're old enough to afford a flashy sports car, you look ridiculous driving it.

   It sucks to live in the shadow of your older brother or sister. Imagine if Jesus Christ had a little brother or sister. How do you live up to THAT?

   It takes a brave man to admit he's wrong. It takes a braver man to not delete the original comment.

   Life's not a b!tch, life's a beautiful woman. You just call her a b!tch cause she wont let you get what you want,

   When people say they "live their life" it usually just means "party hard." It doesn't mean "learn a lot about stuff that interests you", "volunteer to help people less fortunate than you", or "enjoy the benefits of a good night of sleep."