Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   Once you go black you never go back..... Wait thats not right its...... Once you go black you want your test results back..... Or was it ... Once you go black your babys' on crack ... no no actually it was ... Once you go black you want your dignity back

   admit it . . . you can't say "go on" without using a british accent . . .

   NOT ONE of the mannequins at Victoria Secret has an anatomically correct back passage.

   One time I was in a car giving directions to a gay driver. Things got awkward when I told him to go straight.

   So I hear Sandusky's Santa application has been rejected...

   How did the American Cross the Road? A Cop dragged her there by the hair

   Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

   Watching your ex down grade, Oh what a lovely feeling.

   I heard you are a PLAYA. Nice to meet you, I am the COACH.

   Rotisserie Chicken..a morbid Ferris-wheel for chicken...spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water...That's right… I LIKE MY CHICKEN DIZZY!!!

   HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.

   Hey....Admit it, everyone has a little bit of racism in them. When you do laundry, I bet you all separate the colored from the whites......

   Another way for a guy to confess his virginity to a woman is to tell her he follows Justin Bieber on Twitter.

   Everyone wants to be Black but no one wants Black problems.