Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey thanks for the event invitation. I live in Florida, but I'll leave for Utah immediately 'cause God knows I wouldn't wanna miss your sh**ty band's gig at Paul's Bowling Alley.

   Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   and why, when I answered the phone, it was a guy on the other line??

   Don't forget to set your clocks back to a time when you believed dreams came true!

   Why, when my dad left his phone in the car his phone rang and the ringtone was "Love in this club" by Usher???

   There really should be a Web site that explains how to properly tie an ascot on a cat.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

   Oh it's on like a pops rocks blow job!!

   Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this christmas by giving her a shovel.

   NASA has received funding to develop a tractor beam. Step 1: Buy new pants for nerds who just wet themselves.

   Life is just a long, sick game of "Would you rather."

   It's kind of disappointing when you're reading someone's bio on any site and are somewhat interested, but then you reach the end and it says you don't like me, then PISS OFF!!!" Well, that was rude

   McDonalds and Roaches will be here forever

   Sluts are like Gary; they only like you for the cookie in your pants.

   tired from going clubbing last night......those baby seals are faster than I thought

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this b!tch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!"

   oh no! Just got an Android phone..And I dont know how to copy an paste! All my friends must think I'm dead!

   I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.