Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

   I am probably going to start my Christmas shopping this weekend. I am not sure which place is better, the Dollar Store, or the 99 Cent store.

   What is air is actually poisonous and it just takes 80 years to kills us.

   Has sex like a Ninja! I'm so quick you never knew I was there!!!

   not every pony grows up to be a Pegasus

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   If you watch Black Swan backwards, it's about a dancer who cures her insanity by sleeping with Mila Kunis.

   read a status today which read "OMG I might miss my flight which is due in an hour!" As long as your priorities are straight mate...and you could waste yet more time just to let us know that on facebook! Thanks I can die happy I guess..

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)

   saw a butterfly today with no wings, so I poured red bull on it and BAMMMM... it died :(

   Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you..

   You know what I hate? When you're in somebody's house and you see a tin of Celebrations - you sneak the lid off and its a f*cking sewing kit.

   I always felt that Daffy Duck was funnier than Donald Duck but didn't get as much recognition because he was black.

   If a fat girl falls over in the middle of a forest and no-one's around to see it, do the trees laugh?

   Dear Fork, I thought you should know; you have a son.His name is Spork. -Spoon P.S. He has your hair.

   Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)

   Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...

   Appreciate the good people God gave you because he will take them back one day.