Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   Someone really screwed over that Adele Chick! Can you say stalker!

   TWILIGHT has pretty much forever ruined the names, Edward, Bella & Jacob.

   Why can't Edward read Bella's thoughts? Because she doesn't have any.

   If any of you ever have to identify my dead body, I'd appreciate you saying it's not me.

   I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.

   Just put on 12 Nickelback songs and walked out of the bar

   Hey status messages auto correct, stop tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

   I hate it when I'm drinking a beverage and as I'm tipping the glass the ice cubes suddenly shift causing a mini tsunami that washes over my upper lip. I need one of those early warning buoys in my tea. Either that or a bib.

   Dear life, whats the fricking recipe for lemonade?

   Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving facebook emails after a weekend of drinking that says "you have been tagged in a photo"

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   not sure what is going on today but I think I released enough "natural gas" to supply my furnace for the winter...

   Holy Sh!t...Did Christina Aguilera get stung by a bee or something

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet Coke.

   Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.

   No one's home so I'm playing practical jokes on my dog and cat. Man, they are so gullible.

   I bet some of the dumber wolves howl at the sun.