Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If weed was legalized the number of annoying stoners would mutiply faster than a asian kid at a math contest.

   Women hate being treated different than men, until there's a hostage situation and woman and children are let go first.

   It's one of life's cruel tricks that by the time you're old enough to afford a flashy sports car, you look ridiculous driving it.

   It sucks to live in the shadow of your older brother or sister. Imagine if Jesus Christ had a little brother or sister. How do you live up to THAT?

   It takes a brave man to admit he's wrong. It takes a braver man to not delete the original comment.

   Life's not a b!tch, life's a beautiful woman. You just call her a b!tch cause she wont let you get what you want,

   When people say they "live their life" it usually just means "party hard." It doesn't mean "learn a lot about stuff that interests you", "volunteer to help people less fortunate than you", or "enjoy the benefits of a good night of sleep."

   throwing skittles at random people and saying " taste the rainbow b*tch!"

   I study. I take the test. I pass it. I forget what I learned...

   Does your a** ever get jealous of the big amount of sh*t that comes out of your mouth??

   anyone gonna tell Americas Funniest Videos that theres youtube?

   Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?

   You know your getting old, when you start changing your grammer in texts..you know "goin' - going, neva-never, ax-ask.

   Begining to question my plans to go boating with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.

   I hate waking up in the middle of a great dream and finding it didn't get picked up for another season.

   Polygamy is a lot like Monopoly. You can get screwed but you have to wait until it's your turn.

   Do NOT take your kids to the dog and pony show in Amsterdam.

   Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.

   Don't depend on other people for your happiness. Depend on alcohol instead.