Funny Status Messages

   I'm bout to go to this club and drink responsibly. You know what that means right? Someone else will be responsible for the bill.

   When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys

   In the kitchen with the wife and she asked, "What's the expiration date on this?" "11/30" I said. She went to throw it away and I said, "What are you doing!!! It's not even NOON yet!!!"

   Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

   I was expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

   I love sleep, because my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.

   An fool is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup

   You can't just go around kissing every woman. Only God knows who busted a nut in her mouth.

   What did girls do with a 174 picture photo album of a night out before Facebook?

   Apparently, it's illegal to set up deer stands..... especially at petting zoos, even during deer season.... Lesson learned.... next year I will set up at a non-petting zoo.

   Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.

   I never worry about a girlfriend cheating,.. It's how much bigger there boyfriend might be that scares me."

   "To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat same as worms."-Josie Wales

   wow... I think easter is a few weeks away... calm down walmart...

   & who else adds that little pointless arrow - telling your teacher to flip the page over.

   Dear Santa, I've been a naughty girl all year long, and it was worth it you judgemental fat ba$tard!

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would damn listen.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my damn phone or anything.

   U know that Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   *Logs onto FaceBook and reads* 5 song lyrics, 2 people telling what they're doing right then at that very moment, 3 stupid pictures of food or funny faces, 4 attempts at a witty remark, 1 truly funny witty remark, and a person who likes 75 pages.