Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your delusional,she wouldn't do you if your semen cured cancer!!!

   I try to hide the snacks I just ate by pushing the empty bag to the bottom of the trash.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   Want my opinion fine don't get mad when you hear what I say, if you want something sugar coated...eat a doughnut!!

   Time to clean my room: 50% listening to music & dancing around, 49% being lazy, 1% just standing.

   Everyone else has a nickname for their own butt, right?

   An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 201,000 miles. Scientists have named it "Fernando Torres."

   asks If a older woman that goes after a younger man is a cougar, is an older man that goes after a younger man a Nittany Lion?

   Just saw on the TV news that the ADHD prescription drug "Adderall" is gotten hard for Pharmacies to keep in stock due to demand and... What was I saying? I lost track, Umm, something about something.

   Seriously? WTF is it with all the unecessary phone names? ~~> Get the new 4G LTE touch bionic droid x2 razor Evo 3D 8950 by HTC.

   So Beavis and Butt-Head are back. I didn't even know they went away since I've been working with them for years.

   McDonald's is like unprotected sex for your heart... So awesome.

   My favorite coffee mug has a chip in it. My favorite shirt has a stain on it. My favorite jeans have a rip in them. My favorite CD has a skip in it. My favorite friend is you. I like things that are flawed, like me.

   See this hand? It's going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.

   Attention Herman Cain.....Democrats would love for you to win the Republican nomination. They have no need to go out and harm your campaign.

   It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   Me? Fail English!? …. That's unpossible!

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   Girl: “Why do you keep following me?!” Boy: “Because when I was little, my mom told me to follow my dreams.”