Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   What do you call those little balls of cotton in women's underwear?? Clitty litter...

   Ladies! I may not have the pen!s of a black man but I do have the toung of a lesbi@n.

   All fun things are taxed... and there is even a tax on sex... it's called children.

   Short skirts have a tendency to make gentlemen out of men. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

   If someone calls you fat, Don't get angry, just turn the other chin.

   I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.

   My upstairs neighbour made a ground breaking discovery last night. He can't fly.

   I could tell you to go f yourself but I am afraid you will ask for directions.

   one girl scout cookie away from type two diabetes

   You gotta hand it to midgets...because they sure as siht can't reach it...

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.

   I wonder if Stevie Wonder knows he's black?

   The cleanliness of my house directly depends on my chances of getting laid that day.

   Happy Cyber Monday!! A/S/L?

   My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or the Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last st@tus update, in which I talk about having a girlfriend.

   The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

   If you're a female, I can understand if you don't watch football, if you're a man, you have an obligation to your why chromosome.