Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.

   Good girls get presents, Naughty girls get money. - by Order of SANTA CLAUS.

   Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.

   I can't wait to get outta work so I can log onto Facebook for the first time today. ;0)

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   before you post a tready status update about something like..I don't know....11:11 on 11/11/11 look to see if other people posted about it. If they did, its not original and don't bother.

   Morning texts are for people you love, Midnight texts are for people you wanna f*ck

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.

   Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.

   At 11:11 AM and PM today. It will be 11-11-11 11 11 and that doesn't mean sh!t. Carry on with your day folks.

   It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.

   Sorry for drunk texting you again last night. I assure you that I didn't mean what I said, unless you feel the same way

   OK I made a wish at 11:11 , now its 11:12 still no midget house cleaners and Justin Beiber still has a career...what a crock

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   We live in a world where dates like 11/11/11 make people happy :|

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.