Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

   When a mime dies, do mourners ask for a moment of talking?

   Did you hear that Apple is developing a new Alternative Gas Source that everyone can help contribute to? They are going to call it the iFart.

   Dr. Joyce Brothers says crying after sex is perfectly normal. Especially if it was sex with her.

   You know you've finally matured when you stop asking for money to use on the bubblegum machines at Restaurants.

   A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

   Ladies: Guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, but they prefer bare hardwood...

   When I flush the toilet I like to yell "SH!TS GOING DOWN!!!" in my best gangster voice.

   Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeaaaa... LMFAO :D

   Does anyone know the name of that one song that doesn't have Pitbull in it?

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.

   I try not to be rude, but some of you make it hard work.

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

   My wife comes with instructions. Lots of instructions.

   My Husband, the "not-so-handy" handyman:)

   I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

   I child-proofed my house, but they still get in.

   God must love stupid people. He made so many.

   FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything."