Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear keyboard, They may touch you, but they can't take their eyes off of me. Sincerely, monitor.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   Lazy rule: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   I know I am good,but I can be better!

   All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!!

   I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.

   "Dont worry the spider is smaller than you" Yeah? "So is a grenade!"

   "Aaaaaachhooo!" "Bless you.." "Aaacchhoooooo!" "Bless you!" "Aaaccchhoooooo!" "Dude what the hell?! youre jus pushing it now!"

   "False information" spelled backwards is "False information"

   Girl: Hey what's up? Boy: if I tell you would you sit on it?

   When I'm walking in the dark I widen my eyes as if making them bigger will make me see better.

   Got insomnia? May I suggest watching the CMA's.

   Penguins don't give a flying phuck!

   You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.

   if you type "no comment" in the comment bar that is in fact a comment.

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   A life without love is like a year without summer.