Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking.......We should be able to text 911, in case were hiding from a cereal killer and don't want them to hear us. 0.o

   Hmm, I should throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   "Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"

   The people made of chocolate from the Hershey's commercials freak me out...

   If a stripper has company, does she offer them two cups of T and some A?

   Did you that a slug has 3,000 teeth and four noses. Beating out Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers by eight teeth.

   I heard on the news that a man was arrested for having sex with a picnic table. I hope he was wearing a condiment.

   Nothing says you almost got caught watching porn like staring at an empty Google search bar..

   Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

   The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.

   Sorry girls L.O.V.E dosn't stand for "legs open very easy"

   After several experiments I've determined it's impossible to overdose on cheese

   would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

   When a mime dies, do mourners ask for a moment of talking?

   Did you hear that Apple is developing a new Alternative Gas Source that everyone can help contribute to? They are going to call it the iFart.

   Dr. Joyce Brothers says crying after sex is perfectly normal. Especially if it was sex with her.

   You know you've finally matured when you stop asking for money to use on the bubblegum machines at Restaurants.

   A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

   Ladies: Guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, but they prefer bare hardwood...

   When I flush the toilet I like to yell "SH!TS GOING DOWN!!!" in my best gangster voice.