Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so exited when X-Factor is on.........I'm sitting here at bar and the wife doesn't even know I'm gone

   if they are cheating, they won't tell you they're cheating. If they aren't cheating, they won't tell you they are cheating. So you'll hear either, “I'm not cheating,” or “I'm not cheating.”

   my thong is trying to get to 5th base

   Making girls who "aren't like that," like that. All Day, Every day.

   My eBay purchasing history can confirm that I'm an alcoholic.

   thinks that without Analytical Geometry, life is pointless.

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   Don't judge me unless you can show me your acceptance letter to heaven.

   Don't call people "Ugly" because its offensive. Call them facially challenged, it makes you sound smart

   Happy Bella - •_• Sad Bella - •_• Excited Bella - •_• Angry Bella - •_• Shocked Bella - •_• Confused Bella - •_• - Twilight

   Dear KFC, Why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect.

   If you want her to treat you nice, first you have to treat her right.

   Twilight did to vampires what Brokeback Mountain did to cowboys.

   I am thankful for Facebook for it has made my life as a stalker a whole lot easier. Gone are the days of standing in the dark, in the rain behind some bushes and providing free meal for mosquitoes no to mention restrain orders.

   What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

   Looks like we'll get another year of Lebron James choking.

   I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they bought on Black Friday

   If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window.

   Now that Black Friday is over, wonder if Mexican Saturday means things are free??

   When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.