Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

   While Lebron is playing for the East, his mom was riding the West.

   I was calm, until you told me to calm down.

   Santa knocked on my door yelling "Ho, Ho, Ho!" and I told him that your girlfriend doesn't live here.

   I mustache you a question. Nevermind, I'll shave it for later

   Some people just need a sympathetic pat... on the head... with a hammer.

   We all have a "friend" we don't even like..

   My New Year's Resolution? 1080p.

   hates double standards. If a chick bangs a bunch of dudes, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's a homosexual.

   Came home to find all the doors and windows open and everything gone..what kind of sick person would do that to someone's advent calendar??

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.

   the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still technically on the list.

   went to a karaoke bar that had no 70's songs. At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

   ‎30 Days more......to plan another New Year's resolutions or a new start on old habits!!

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "did you give up on life?"

   2011: bros before hoes 1800: brethren foregoing lasses.

   It sucks when you have to much month left at the end of your money