Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, I've been really good today, so lets focus on that!

   If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then the life of someone who lives there must become a void once they leave town.

   It'd be interesting to see statistics of your life after you die. Like, what joke you found the funniest, how many times you smiled, how many times you laughed, how many times you lied, or how many people you loved.

   Life is all about ass, everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one :)

   The girls at Hooters may be hot, but when it comes down to it, the girls at Subway are the real wife material.

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the heck women are actually trying to say.

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night on Saturday does not prevent Sunday. There is no cure.

   Life isn't worth living for, unless you have something worth dying for.

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

   I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.

   Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results.

   If people can now use pepper spray to get the last piece of junk at Walmart, then I'm going to start using it for unwanted meeting requests.

   Since Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable you wouldn't be surprised if they made mayonnaise an instrument

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.

   Nobody likes whorish olive oil.

   People who buy real Christmas Trees the day after Thanksgiving need some serious help...And if you have your tree up already...You should probably seek medical attention..

    Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. 

   so much for black friday at a bar