Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."

   Am I the only person who does this? I'm always walking into my bathroom and finding the light still left on from earlier in the day, n yet I still grab the cord n switch the light off & on again!!

   If people could read minds and two people were reading each other's mind, so wouldnt they be reading their own mind reading the opposite mind reading their own mind reading the opposite mind ..............

   Q: What would happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men would get their salary everyday and women would bleed to death.

   Things a pedophile might say: “On a scale of 1 to 10 how old are you?”

   doubling his calorie intake to gain weight, and all this is doing is making me drop quatros instead of dueces.

   I wouldn't say that I'm really a bad dancer more like....overly Caucasian.

   (don't)Touchdown(there), Penn State!!

   ‎45% of the internet is pornography. 55% of the internet is lame.

   Which is scarier, faceless kittens or faceless babies? And what's in ketamine?

   BREAKING NEWS: In a new Marital Sex Survey, women have reportedly faked all their answers ....

   Turns out that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   I have a very busy Sunday planned today......Watching football and Nascar while converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. ツ

   Karma is like a 69, you get what you give.

   I'm a member of the CSI - “Can't. Stand. Idiots.”

   If Paris Hilton was a super hero she would be called Wonder why your famous woman!

   Just had honest talk with self. Not a bad fellow, knows a lot about me. Should consult him more often.

   HER: "My feelings for you changed soon as you called me a b!tch" ME: "My feelings for you changed soon as you started being one"

   Why did Bella choose Edward instead of Jacob??? Cause Edward can still go down on her even if it's her time of the month