Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   senses a disturbance in the force.

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   I'm jealous of the occupy movement, I wish I could join in. But I have to occupy my job so my kids can occupy my house.

   Pollen is just flower jizz.

   That moment when customers at CVS see that all the toys are dancing and singing & I'm the only one standing in the aisle. I like to push all the buttons.

   Wanna hear a cat joke? ...... Just Kitten!!

   Penn State lost last week. They must of played Karma.

   Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move.

   Taking my lunch break in a near by park would be a little less complicated if I didn't forget the fact that I have a mustache this month.

   A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

   My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

   A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

   I know these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   My brother was with two women in one night.he could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!

   I showed up late for work today . The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" ,,, I replied "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   can not think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.