Funny Status Messages

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   I don't usually play these games, but I'm bored. Fill in the blanks. Banks account #: Routing #: Name on debit card: Pin number #: CCV #: Expiration date:

   Jessie is a friend. He has a pet squirrel that brings him tacos. You know, I wish I had Jessie's squirrel.

   Name something you would say to a friend in 2020 who would think you were completely crazy if you said it to them in 2019 Copy and paste to see what your friend's say.

   The press can try to shove all that bIack BS down our throats all they want, but we're not swallowing any of it.

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.