Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So many things changing daily. For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

   co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave me: oh sorry does my lobster smell co-worker: no he’s pinching people

   [during sex] me: imma turn the ceiling fan on giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

   You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   Bet when he went to school if there was a subject called how to do nothing, he would of gotten straight A's in it.

   I found a real use for a selfie stick.. 6 feet back motherfuckers

   This Corona hoax is the most I've ever seen my neighbors, I'm pretty sure they're all hooligans. Almost all of em wearing masks.

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P

   I am creating face mask from the scalps of the dead... Is that wrong?

   Imagine surviving Covid19 then China releases Covid19S Plus Pro

   I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   Yo, idiot below! So we were wrong about that, stop rubbing it in all the God damn time! This is why we hate the libs, they can never let things go!

   The blow up doll guy! You can tell jokes about anything you know? Though Trump gags may get removed!

   This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the place.

   I got a case of corona from walmart and I never felt better!

   Anyone know where I can get plastic eggs big enough to hide hand sanitizer in?