Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   Some dude told me that there is no resolution to war. The only way to settle conflicts is through verbal debate. After an hour of "verbally debating" the issue, I punched him in the face and swiftly brought resolution to the matter.

   Man get of the couch and do something with your life. Christ even eggs get laid!

   My Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're the Crazy One...

   I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...

   I bet Sandusky is having issues sleeping, maybe he should call Dr Conrad Murray.

   Did you hear about the woman who liked it in the ear? Everytime you try to put it in her mouth she'll turn her head...

   You know you're talented when you can untangle your headphones in the dark

   I love it when I drop my iPod and my headphones save it's life!

   The feelings I used to get when I was in relationships at age 13 were the best, now they're just dreadful

   Dont you hate it when somebody turns on the light to wake you up and you're just like -_o

   Its funny how parents say its their house but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too

   I rear ended a midget with my car the other day. So he go out and looked at me and said, "Im not happy," so I asked, "So then what Dwarf are you?

   "I'm strong because I know what it's like to be weak."

   It's all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw

   i have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

   Arguing on Facebook is like running in the special Olympic, even if you win you are still retarded

   Dont treat your lady like rubbish or another man will just recycle her

   Yes there's plenty of fish in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste and the Somali pirates.

   What's the difference between Penn State and the State Penn??? Sandusky will be catching not pitching!