Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, it can be hard to let the cat out of the bag. Like if the bag was plastic and tied too tight, and the kitty is really sleepy now.

   Just decked the halls. Let that be a warning to halls everywhere.

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   I'm so emo I just unfollowed myself then wrote a poem about how it felt.

   It's been said that Revenge is a dish best served cold, well in that case I best open up a Delicatessen.

   NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!

   I'm bout to go to this club and drink responsibly. You know what that means right? Someone else will be responsible for the bill.

   When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys

   In the kitchen with the wife and she asked, "What's the expiration date on this?" "11/30" I said. She went to throw it away and I said, "What are you doing!!! It's not even NOON yet!!!"

   Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

   I was expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

   I love sleep, because my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.

   An fool is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup

   You can't just go around kissing every woman. Only God knows who busted a nut in her mouth.

   What did girls do with a 174 picture photo album of a night out before Facebook?

   Apparently, it's illegal to set up deer stands..... especially at petting zoos, even during deer season.... Lesson learned.... next year I will set up at a non-petting zoo.

   Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.

   I never worry about a girlfriend cheating,.. It's how much bigger there boyfriend might be that scares me."

   "To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat same as worms."-Josie Wales

   wow... I think easter is a few weeks away... calm down walmart...