Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're a female, I can understand if you don't watch football, if you're a man, you have an obligation to your why chromosome.

   FACT: If Osama Bin Laden hid where I hide my porn, he would still be alive today.

   Dear Chubby kids chasing me,this is my way of helping cure Obesity...Sincerly,the Ice Cream Truck Driver.

   I hate when people on YouTube say, "if your watching this in 2011". I'm always like oh no, I'm watching it 1500 BC on my IStone.

   Barney Frank is retiring from Congress to coach football at Penn State....

   Knowing when to shut the hell up is a gift very few people are born with.

   Idk what it is about this morning but I'm feeling really homy... Did you read that wrong too?

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.

   If you're riding shotgun, you're automatically on cop look-out. With great power comes great responsibility.

   Baby strollers these days are getting out of hand. You're walking a baby. Not taking it 4x4ing through a gladiator pit on a far off planet.

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. #bakerysongs

   Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   Monday morning is a slap in the face to wake us up from our weekend daydream.