Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   I see all these dark smoke signals coming from my neighbor's house & all I can think is, "How long can it take for him to elect a new Pope?"

   TYPES OF SALARIES... Which one is yours? 1. Onion salary . You grab it, you open it, you cry ... 2. Storm salary . You don't know when its coming and when it is going 3. Menstrual salary . It comes once a month and lasts for only 3 days 4. Magic salary .

   Why do people spill their guts on facebook like it's, "Daddy touched me week" on Dr. Phil???

   Oh I love seven layer cookies!!! Each layer compliments the next. Right as the coconut starts to fade, HELLO Mrs. butterscotch!!!!

   I'm sure you will find someone nice. But You can't shake the wh0re tree and hope an angel falls out...

   gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up

   The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one

   How come men go to $trip clubs with other men? I'm thinking of getting a b0ner later, you wanna come? Come on man let's go get some b0ners, my treat! I love going out with my buddies and getting b0ners with them...

   I know how to spell, so why do my words make no sense when I try to verbally spell something for a friend?!

   I Absolutely hate when my touch screen touches things I had no intention of touching.

   I thought I saw an "Occupy Wall Street" support group tonight....Turns out it was just a dozen city cops occupying Dunkin' Donuts.

   Live each day like it is your last. Murmuring regrets and occasionally spitting up blood

   obviously all these people hatin on Occupy wall street HAVE a job.

   Like nature and opportunities, when booty calls...I answer

   Dude! He just called you a thief! Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!

   RIP: Occupy Wall Street. Go occupy a job now.

   Friends are like Snowflakes, If you pee on them they disappear.

   I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!