Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is the national animal day,please take a moment to remember your EX

   If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.

   Lets hear it for the curvy girls. Skinny girls, please eat something, if I want to see your ribs I would ask for your x-ray.

   If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.

   I found a 1 dollar bill in the dryer the other day and thought, "I bet this happens to strippers every time."

   I'm pretty sure my inability to take things seriously, will one day get me murdered.

   Just saw a guy getting jumped. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Whenever I open the fridge, my dog looks at me with a face that simply says "why don't you eat all the food?"

   I LOVE beating women..... to the door so I can hold it open for them

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into the convenience store, grab a box of condoms and ask "where is the fitting room?"

   2011: You mad bro? 1800: Art thou angered brethren?

   Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm Pregnant"

   4 out of 5 fingers agree that you're a good driver.

   Dear people who spell shop 'shoppe', please stoppe.

   It takes a great deal of courage to admit you've seen Herman Cain naked.

   My girlfriend got mad at me because I didn't like her Facebook status 30 minutes after she posted it. It's not like I have a magical Facebook device on me at all times. Sent via safari for iPhone.

   Hate Mondays.Annoy Tuesday.Ignore Wednesday.Smile Thursday.Love Friday.Enjoy Saturday.Damn Sunday!

   People are quick to judge others, but slow to notice and correct their own mistakes.

   put a fork in them I believe duke is done. GO BUCKS!