Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry...

   Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)

   “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue

   twinkle twinkle little snitch...mind your own business you nosey b!tch

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?

   I'm black, but I'm not ,24 inch rims, black

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   Once you go black you never go back..... Wait thats not right its...... Once you go black you want your test results back..... Or was it ... Once you go black your babys' on crack ... no no actually it was ... Once you go black you want your dignity back

   admit it . . . you can't say "go on" without using a british accent . . .

   NOT ONE of the mannequins at Victoria Secret has an anatomically correct back passage.

   One time I was in a car giving directions to a gay driver. Things got awkward when I told him to go straight.

   So I hear Sandusky's Santa application has been rejected...