Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted

   Boys make excuses, men make changes...

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   That akward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   There are two types of girls in the world: my mom and sluts...

   Rosa Parks wasn't trying to make a political statement , her ass was just tired .

   have a new theory! If you ran around a tree at 270,000 miles per hour you could actually "f**k yourself". Same theory would apply if we re-elected Obama again.

   I carry a magnum sized condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper.... some day my prince will come

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his bluetooth earpiece

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his blue tooth earpiece

   I refuse to eat food I drop on the ground, but if I drop a cigarette? Yep, it's getting smoked

   Conrad Murray got 4 years in the slam for killing Whacko Jacko......But he's feeling much better about the outcome since Lindsay Lohan assured him he'd probably be released in about 12 hours...

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   According to a recent survey just released this week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. Even worse, the other two-thirds have urinated in their own laps.

   On a scale from Casey Anthony to Penn State, how much do you love children?

   It is safe to say that I am in the shower for a good 15 minutes before I actually start cleaning myself.

   I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music,, denigrate means ‘put down'.

   When I say I have "true grit" right now, I'm not talking about how tough I am. Just that I happend to smile during this dust storm :/

   Women that go to the supermarket in heels are shopping for more than groceries.

   56 yrs ago today Rosa Parks occupied a seat on a bus that she wasn't supposed to sit in because she was black. Her act continues to inspire.