Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i don't have moves like Jagger, Jagger's got moves like me ;)

   Happy endings only ever exist if you find a good masseuse. Other than that they are nothing but a fairytale!

   What's the funniest thing in the world?Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight

   Why do olives come in tall jars?So the Italians will have a place to keep their combs.

   I Drink therefore I'm Hungover

   Best place to pick up women? At the free clinic. You can play a game called "std or checkup?"

   i call my wife the buldozer with a broken rearview mirror. she flattens everything in her path and doesn't see it. she used to be a fun-sponge now she is the fun sham-wow now capable of soaking up 4 times the fun

   well, apparently the "Occupy" signs I put up around the long TWILIGHT lines didn't get the tweens and under sexed housewives thrown in jail liked I hoped it would...

   Shout out to all the low lifes that are getting high.

   Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.

   That moment when you realize someone wasn't as great as you thought they were.

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron

   You can't be ugly and too picky, you betta take what you can get!

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and damn tagging one another.

   Some damn people would not be born if alcohol was never invented.

   Even though he was voiced by James Earl Jones, Darth Vader definitely wasn't black because he never would have admitted he was Luke's father.

   If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy

   Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   God... I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect

   Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. But when it's bad... it's still pretty good!