Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just ate 4 fiber bars today, been on the toilet for the past hour :/

   "Knock, knock," "Who's there?" "To.""To who?" "To whom."

   forecast for tonight? Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

   If you pay peanuts you get monkeys

   666: Some see it as evil, I see it as 3 six-packs!

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger.

   I may not be Einstein, but dumb + dumb = you

   I can't stand people who drink and wanna be all extra chatty or whiny just drink, get drunk, stfu and be happy.

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is your List of Naughty Girls!

   Your car & phone may be smart, doesn't mean you are.

   some Females get all dressed up for school but fail all their classes.

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   ‎"I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

   You know ladies, us guys may not know what its like to have "that time of the month" but we sure have front row seats to it.

   Who wears the pants in the relationship? No one when it all goes well ;)

   Due to the coal shortage Santa will be giving Nickelback CD's to all the bad kids this year!

   Have you ever looked at someone and just known that the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?

   At least Herman Cain knows when to pull out......