Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   If couples who are in love are called "LOVED BIRDS", then couples who argue should be called "ANGRY BIRDS".

   Sunday's best part: Reminding everyone of a new long week at work.

   A cowboy rode up, got off his horse, lifted its tail and gave him a good wet kiss on his ass. He turned, saw guys on the porch and said, I got me a mean case of chapped lips! One fella asked, Does it help? He said, No, but it keeps me from licking em..

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

   I am kinda getting tired of listening to those little pink elves sing about walking in an Orgy wonderland on the Tmobile commerical. I still have not figured out what having an orgy has to do with cell phone but lets hope they don't post pics with the new

   next time someone calls you answer "Canadian Abortion Clinic, where no fetus can beat us"

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!

   Tried explaining twitter to Sharon but her "Why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

   Things women find attractive: A man who leaves the room to pass gas so she wont feel tortured.

   Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

   The other day I was trying to think of Cris Brown's biggest hit....That's when I realized it was Rihanna!

   You know you are useless when no one is ever scared of losing you.

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   "Baby, baby, baby, OHHH". Dad: Son, are you listening to Justin Bieber? Kid: No, I'm watching porn Dad: Oh, thank GOODNESS!

   I failed my human anatomy exam today. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm blind in one ear though.

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card