Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death. Me: I need one

   Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

   Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

   I’m amazed at how frequently scientists use memes to publish the results of their studies.

   My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

   Your quarantine name is your first name followed by your last name.

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer

   Someone please inform the meatball below that those numbers aren't factoring in population differences and percentages.

   I'm not saying she's a slut but whenever she eats a banana in public, she puts one hand behind her head.

   Some people are as useful as a white crayon.

   There are two key elements to success. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.

   Deleting my Facebook soon = Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important.

   Out of eggs and hoping the easter bunny will leave some on my porch.

   Hoping the easter bunny leaves me some eggs the egg hoarders didn't get this year.

   If you're wondering why the COVID-19 rate is do low in Germany and high in the USA, it's because Germany's president used to be a quantum chemist and the USA's president used to be a reality television host.

   BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away. MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   hey punk below, you love winning then get the helll out of here