Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alec Baldwin wouldn't have been booted from the plane today if he played the part of the pilot

   When animal over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we step in and cull them, supposedly for their own good. But when human beings over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we look around for another planet to colonise.

   White parents: "Tommy, go in timeout Kid: NO mommy, YOU get in timeout. Black parents: Get ur ass in ur room before I punch you in the throat!

   I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.

   I need to get a santa suit and walk into the strip club to see what the girls will to do santa to get off the naughty list.

   I love mustache, rides.

   Whenever I see someone running in normal clothes, I immediately assume something is wrong.

   im 99% sure you dont like me, and I'm 100% sure I dont care

   I have CDO. - It's like OCD but all of the letters are in alphabetical order, AS THEY SHOULD BE!

   The only time I get name-dropped is in games of "Would You Rather".

   If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it all over you.

   If ignorance is bliss a lobotomy may be my only chance at happiness.

   The cheese I'm eating right now isn't very tasty. It feels good to share my feelings.

   Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   Technically wouldn't all of Denver be in the mile high club?

   Are you kidding me? I hope Madonna has a wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl halftime show. I know it sounds sick, but I'd like to see her dong.

   I watch pom. I know that you misread that, didn`t you?

   I want to slowly go down on you and tease you. Then rise up and fxck you hard. Sincerely, Gas Prices

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   Lady Gaga was at the White House today. The President was in Kansas, and willing to go further if necessary.