Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   Soooo basically "twitter" is basically Myspace 2.0?!

   That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.

   People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.

   The best part of waking up........................is going back to sleep!

   You know it's cold out when you see a hitch hiker with his hands in his pockets, and a big thumb on his shirt.

   My 10yr old daughter says I'm nosey! Well........that's what she said in her diary.

   What's a blazing Yule log? Is it a combination of too much egg nog and zesty jalapeno dip?

   finally got a new coffee maker this morning... actually... its just a new employee at Starbucks.

   I know I can't be the only one here hitting these ads by mistake trying to go to the next page.

   Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra.

   I love it when people I hate get in trouble.

   Single girls give better hugs.

   This chick got a million dollar body with a food stamp face.

   Call it whatever you want... I'm still calling the Hummer H2, "The Douche Bag Container."

   When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.

   I think there is one thing both genders can agree on, neither one want Justin Bieber in their gender.

   a hangover is god's way of saying "you kicked a$$ last night"

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?