Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You call it it multiple personalities, I call it social networking in my head.

   I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

   If I worked in a restaurant and people asked for coke, I would just hand them a rolled up dollar and say "excellent choice there madam"

   Okay Garbanzo we get it. Your 14-year old girlfriend is fat, ugly and cut herself shaving while drunk.

   When I told her she had the "Body of a Lane Bryant model", I meant it in a good way!

   No one calls you at 3am "Just to talk"

   In a party, handsome guy approached a girl and asked her "r you goin 2 dance?" Girl felt so happy and said,"YES" The guy said-"thats good . . . . . can I have your chair?"

   now I don't care about not having a girlfriend. Siri listens to all of my needs!

   as now kim kardashian has decided to end her marriage, my earnest request to her to release her new se*tape to support last version and to keep going the process well.

   Donald Trump, first hampster to human hair transplant recipient.

   Donald Trump and the Kardashians represent the worst in American culture, greed and self centeredness. May they just go away.

   What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well hung

   If the colts go 0 and 14 should we rest are starters for the playoffs?

   I just killed a spider with my shoe. I don't care how big spiders are but no one steals my f*cking shoes!

   It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.

   good girls may go to heaven but bad girls take you there

   I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ

   If you ran as much as your mouth did, you'd be in great shape...

   Hamburger Helper only works when the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   Man are like BLUETOOTH, he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away. And women are like WI-FI, she sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.