Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're in the car alone everyone outside is a serial killer.

   A grown man will buy lingerie for the same reason a kid wants a box of cereal were all after the prize inside

   That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate

   My doctor (me) just decided to up my dosage (smoke more weed)

   Go down a water slide while it isn't wet and then you'll understand why foreplay is so important

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download money ;)

   my common sense is tingling.

   it just me or does anybody else find it weird that the Mets took out a $40 million dollar loan from Bank of America. Considering that they play at Citi Field????

   If you had a real childhood then you'll remember Crash Bandicoot.

   I've never had to have the need for mistle toe to get the ladies.

   Saying "dude." before you say something important.

   There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.

   That guy who got busted for having sex on the subway did nothing wrong...He was just 'minding the gap'.

   Life would be so much easier if chocolate was a health food and they allowed drinking at work

   Apparantly Friday was National Day of the Ninja. I was completely unaware of it. Well played Ninja Day… well played

   What superpower would I want? The ability to know if the bite of food is rotten or moldy BEFORE I stick in my mouth and chew!

   Whats the difference between you and a hippo? One is fat, lazy, ugly, disgusting, smelly, and weird .......then there's the hippo

   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of da road I'm going to leave & come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign says, "Help, need ride"