Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...

   I had three women making me a sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp. Thats why I like Subway.

   There's no sense in crying over spilled milk....... Oh, it was beer? Carry on then. :(

   If you have a favorite Kardashian, I have no use for you.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.

   Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   Just once I want a Walmart greeter to give me the finger and mouth the words "f*ck you."

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   I'm going to start rubbing Q-Tips on my head.....They have done wonders for growing hair in my ears.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   C'mon someone give me something to make fun of! - Me, talking to my wall.

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.

   Just put Nicotine patches on my eyelids, now I can see noises!

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.