Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you start off a status update with "Note to self" its obviously not.

   “I love Eminem” “The candy?” “No, the rapper” “What's so cool about M&M wrappers?”

   LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.

   Nothing screams jealous insecure trust issues louder than a joint Facebook profile.

   Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.

   When they gonna get I'm shi#t faced parking stalls at wall mart...especially for the holiday season..???

   In 2012 if you want to stop seeing the same old things..stop doing the same old things.If you want change, you change first;) And don t do newyears resolutions! Have SOLUTIONS for last years problems cuz you will face them again.

   It don't matter if I'm single, complicated, engaged, married or divorced. My friends always like my status!

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   you should Y0u.Tube "warriors of goja", sit back, and enjoy.

   The best thing about having a head shrinker for a friend is knowing that I'll be getting a little head for Christmas.

   does the name Pavlov ring any bells?

   Relationships are a winter sport..

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   What do you call those little balls of cotton in women's underwear?? Clitty litter...

   Ladies! I may not have the pen!s of a black man but I do have the toung of a lesbi@n.

   All fun things are taxed... and there is even a tax on sex... it's called children.

   Short skirts have a tendency to make gentlemen out of men. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?