Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.

   Don't base your decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results.

   If people can now use pepper spray to get the last piece of junk at Walmart, then I'm going to start using it for unwanted meeting requests.

   Since Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable you wouldn't be surprised if they made mayonnaise an instrument

   How come we always hear about what's happening on Wall Street and Main Street. What about what's happening on Sesame Street? People live in trash cans there.

   Nobody likes whorish olive oil.

   People who buy real Christmas Trees the day after Thanksgiving need some serious help...And if you have your tree up already...You should probably seek medical attention..

    Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. 

   so much for black friday at a bar

   I'm so exited when X-Factor is on.........I'm sitting here at bar and the wife doesn't even know I'm gone

   if they are cheating, they won't tell you they're cheating. If they aren't cheating, they won't tell you they are cheating. So you'll hear either, “I'm not cheating,” or “I'm not cheating.”

   my thong is trying to get to 5th base

   Making girls who "aren't like that," like that. All Day, Every day.

   My eBay purchasing history can confirm that I'm an alcoholic.

   thinks that without Analytical Geometry, life is pointless.

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   Don't judge me unless you can show me your acceptance letter to heaven.

   Don't call people "Ugly" because its offensive. Call them facially challenged, it makes you sound smart