Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.

   Did you know if you go into google search and type in "askew" the page will shift to the right? Go try it!

   Have you ever looked at your best friend and asked, "How the f*** are we not comedians?"

   any computer someone may have used to purchase you a gift. Tip 2: If you purchase gifts online, DELETE YOUR BROWSING HISTORY. That concludes today's lesson and tips.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.

   Its called Facebook people.. Not Show your body (that you still clearly need to work on) book!

   Someone should come up with a cell phone charger extention cord.

   "Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   Soooo basically "twitter" is basically Myspace 2.0?!

   That sh1tty moment when ur CapriSun doesn't have a straw.

   People say when I dance, it looks like I'm looking for my keys.

   The best part of waking up........................is going back to sleep!

   You know it's cold out when you see a hitch hiker with his hands in his pockets, and a big thumb on his shirt.

   My 10yr old daughter says I'm nosey! Well........that's what she said in her diary.