Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   untangling apples headphones in under 30 seconds should qualify you for surgery in most countries

   This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the other ones.

   Ladies, if you ever want a guaranteed call from your man, just send him to the grocery store without a shopping list.

   Christmas parties are really just birthday parties for Jesus that he's too cool to show up for

   Tonight's itinerary: watch MMA fight, go to hockey game, drink beer, scratch my balls.

   My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.

   Jake from State Farm is one ugly woman!!

   Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   Big girls take photos from the neck up.

   I'm going to open a gym on January 1, 2012 and call it "Irony Fitness." It 's only going to be open for two months.

   Time lives forever so how can the Mayans predict Time when Time existed long before they even started to make a calender....That's like Snooki saying she'll look hot 103 years from now.

   If having the moves like Jagger entails prancing around like an electrocuted chicken then no, I do not have the moves like Jagger

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep.

   I hate when women don't have any pictures showing how her butt looks. How else am I going to know if I want to talk to you?

   You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone

   I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.