Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

   I was expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

   I love sleep, because my life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake.

   An fool is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup

   You can't just go around kissing every woman. Only God knows who busted a nut in her mouth.

   What did girls do with a 174 picture photo album of a night out before Facebook?

   Apparently, it's illegal to set up deer stands..... especially at petting zoos, even during deer season.... Lesson learned.... next year I will set up at a non-petting zoo.

   Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.

   I never worry about a girlfriend cheating,.. It's how much bigger there boyfriend might be that scares me."

   "To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat same as worms."-Josie Wales

   wow... I think easter is a few weeks away... calm down walmart...

   & who else adds that little pointless arrow - telling your teacher to flip the page over.

   Dear Santa, I've been a naughty girl all year long, and it was worth it you judgemental fat ba$tard!

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would damn listen.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my damn phone or anything.

   U know that Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   *Logs onto FaceBook and reads* 5 song lyrics, 2 people telling what they're doing right then at that very moment, 3 stupid pictures of food or funny faces, 4 attempts at a witty remark, 1 truly funny witty remark, and a person who likes 75 pages.

   He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.

   If facebook had an anonymous button, then all hell would break loose.

   Thank god Facebook is back up. I've had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of water and going to bed, lol'. It's taken me all night!