Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would love to put a smile on your face..and I will be using construction paper and a stapler.

   id much rather have morning wood than morning sickness

   I just realized immature spells I'm mature.

   I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, HELLO?!?!?!?

   Forgive me God, for the blessings I don't even notice

   Fox News: A channel solely dedicated to political humor by taking everything that is right with the world, twisting it so it's so wrong that it's funny, then claiming that it's news. The only bad thing about this channel is its lack of a laugh track.

   Did you know that 85% of Facebook relationships end in "F*ck that B*tch"..

   Fox News is the funniest Tv station ever! Good source of entertainment. But seriously, I trust the Daily Show more.

   F*** procrastiation. Now I'm going to fail my finals....

   Fox News is the conservative Republican version of Josef Goebbels' Ministry of Propaganda, with more rhetoric.

   Remember when people use to say "duh, you owe me one"........What heck was the "one" you owe?

   it weird that we eat dead things to stay alive?

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

   Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea

   Every day you are seen is better than the day you are viewed.

   Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 relatives I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny updates, 9 "in relationship to single, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites

   When you can't find the remote, all trust is gone. Me: "Have you seen the remote?" Sis: "No??" Me: "Stand the f*ck up!!"