Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Obama!

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.

   Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.

   Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Ross Perot!

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   Retweeting about a good cause is the definition of, "the least I could do."

   They should put mini M&M's inside regular ones and make M&M's Pregnants.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   This infomercial says that with their product, I can chop potatoes "EVEN WITH A BLINDFOLD ON!!!" It's like they know EXACTLY what I need.

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   They say pot is a Gateway drug. If I don't hurry up and smoke some, this POS Gateway computer is going out the window.

   Unlike Rudolph, I don't have to visit the Island of Misfit Toys this Christmas. I work there.

   Its awesome how you can feel happy, sad, scared or aroused just because of the arrangement of pixels on your screen.

   Jesus can walk on water. Humans are 75% water. I can walk on humans. Therefore, I am 75% Jesus,

   What if P Diddy was actually called Pete Diddy and we just misheard him and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, but every night he goes home and cries and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

   Pretending to be a pleasant person all day is EXHAUSTING!!!

   Someone should invent a bra that plays music so girls can't complain that guys always stare at their boobs and never listen to them.

   “In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.”