Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think we need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts.

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly very seriously.

   Guy: Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? Girl: No Guy: (pulls pockets inside out) would you like to?

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... So now I sit down to pee.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   Me: Wow everything seems right for once. Life: Hold on let me f*ck it up.

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

   Went to the store and asked for Amy Winehouse's greatest hits. But the guy behind the counter told me they don't sell heroin.

   It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.

   Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/

   How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

   I saw 2 deaf chicks arguing today... one of them said "You betta keep my name out yo hands B!TCH!"

   It's not cheating if you let your girlfriend watch.

   You have a pretty face but I don't like the gang signs your teeth are throwing up at me

   If two blind people are dating, would they say they are "seeing each other" ?

   I got so wasted this weekend I kept spilling drinks...all over the inside of my stomach.

   I told this homeless dude I would send him some supplies for Christmas but I need his address first

   This guy on Maury got caught with Naked pics in his phone, When his wife asked him about it he said they came with the phone

   If you worry, you didn't pray... If you prayed, don't worry.

   Some of you ladies need to stop listening to Beyonce. F*ck relationships! Just keep swallowing until he love you