Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

   you know it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth awareness, 'Get Yourtself Tested' & buy or lease a Jaguar this Christmas...So, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving sl*t that needs a car & dosn't care for the environment.

   dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

   I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...

   A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

   Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...

   I'm wearing my Sketcher Shape-ups, or as I affectionately call them: Can't-Get-Laid(s).

   I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

   Oops. Out of milk. Guess who's having disappointment for breakfast...:(

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...