Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...

   I remember the first habit I picked up. The other nuns just stared in horror!

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   Everyone is telling Hitler jokes, but I do Nazi what's so funny. It's out of Mein Kampfort zone, Anne Frankly, I'm tired of it

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   This holiday season there's no better gift than the gift of life. That's why I'm giving every girl I know a baby.

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   If you go to sleep drunk ... are you drunk in your dreams ??

   Does anyone else have that brief thought of "Serial Killer" or "Monster" when they are getting in their car and drop the car keys?

   Why does a Mexican re-fry their beans? Have you ever seen a Mexican do something right the first time?

   YouTube is the only way you can see MTV playing music.

   settingcaptivesfree. com strongly recommend if your addicted to something.

   Time Magazine names "The Protestor" as Person of the Year. If you disagree, congratulations, you just won Person of the Year!