Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4188 of 6444

Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

you know it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.

The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth awareness, 'Get Yourtself Tested' & buy or lease a Jaguar this Christmas...So, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving sl*t that needs a car & dosn't care for the environment.
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12-14-2011 21:05
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dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...
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12-14-2011 19:35 by mark
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I'm wearing my Sketcher Shape-ups, or as I affectionately call them: Can't-Get-Laid(s).

I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

Oops. Out of milk. Guess who's having disappointment for breakfast...:(

You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

"Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."
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12-14-2011 18:50 by flinnie
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Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.
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12-14-2011 18:47 by flinnie
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Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.
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12-14-2011 18:34 by Ian
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If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!
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12-14-2011 18:24 by urboyblue
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God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.
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12-14-2011 18:24 by Nick
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chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

gonna buy a real tree sometime this week, hope it doesnt end up like amy winehouse, dead...5' 6 and surrounded by needles by christmas...
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12-14-2011 17:40 by griff
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